i dont know anymore.

i dont know what i want anymore. life is crazy. i used to know who i am and what i want. i dont have a clue anymore. i miss everything so much. when we were little and the only thing holding me back was that was how tall i was. now everything is, my parents my friends, & who i am. im so lost without my bestfriend. reality check, my other half gave me the strength to keep going on in the day. i hate my life at home. it makes me not give a fuck but sunny would never give up on me. im so lonely. all i have is 'him' my 24/7. i dont want to loose him now. i have nothing else. i love how i can call him a jerk and a bitch and a whore and he'll always come back i love him soo much. i dont know why i keep pushing him away. im to afraid to go further because things always come to an end & i cant take that right now. im afraid of to manythings. im afraid of the dark & being happy now if it means being sad later. im afraid of loosing more people. im afraid of going out and never coming back home, but what do i have to live for at home? nothing ecept for everything. im afraid of waking up one mornning and he wont want me anymore and then what do i have? i hate my life at home. it keeps me from having faith in anything. i dont want to go out anymore because of dad. i dont want to stress out my mom. im afraid of lookng stupid. i used to not give a fuck but noow... i miss how i would laugh and smile for no reason. i miss Vange so much. going to her house and sleeping on her couch, listening to her talk about litterly nothing but it would make me laugh so much. i miss knowing who i used to be. i worry so much. im tired all the time. i hate whats happening. i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about nothing but everything is rushing to my head. there used to be memories made everyday in my life. now its nothing. there's nothing worth remembering. i can stare at something for a long time and think about nothing yet the person right next to me is calling me name and i cant here them. i miss my old life. there's no time to joke around anymore. everythings getting so serious. and its not juss 'growing up' but im losing my self in all of this. and there's no one to pick me up. i feel dead. i need to pick my self back up, i know i can do this. or maybe i cant. someone please tell me whats there to live for. there's no more faith.